The Denver Omelette’s Christmas Wish List

Dearest Readers,

Happy Holidays from the Denver Omelette! We’ve been getting lots of emails telling us that a 2010 Denver Omelette calendar is topping everyone’s wish list this year. And we are flattered! Unfortunately, all of the photos came out a bit too fuzzy since Peaches dropped her camera into a double tall whiskey soda last week. So sorry to disappoint! Instead, we would like to share with you OUR holiday wish list, topped with lots of X’s and O’s to those of you that tolerate our ramblings. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and a big old slap on the ass to one and all…

1. More ‘Random Hot Guy’ posts from Betty Steele. It’s shaping up to be a frigid winter here in Denver and Betty’s juicy little finds always warm us up in all the right places.

2. Less posts regarding Peaches Julian missing her flights…the airport bars just can’t handle that girl!

3. We would all like Denver drivers to learn how to turn right. It’s not that hard people! Pause, look then go!

4. Denver needs a g.d. IKEA stat! And throw in H&M for good measure!

5. The DO loves their pets more than their luggage – and lately all of them seem to be spending way too much time at the vet. We would like to implore the Christmas Spirits to smile on our little loves and make them all healthy.

6. We really really really want all the men out there to call or text when you say you’re going to. OR just grow a pair, man up and end it. Enough already!

7. A remote control that can mute people. We’re tired of listening to all that bitchin’!

And finally…

8. If it’s not too much trouble Santa, each of us could REALLY use a new liver. Or even just one to share (and maybe a back-up one for when the new one pickles.) We don’t want to be greedy.

Cheers!

Mama, Betty, Peaches and Pepper

Mama Monroe’s Calendar Guide to Enjoying Your Birthday Weekend

by Mama Monroe

Start celebrating your weekend on Wednesday night. Make sure an old friend is coming to town as an added excuse to whoop it up x12.

Wednesday: Go to Great Divide’s tasting room immediately after work for beer samplers and a couple of pints. (First 4 samples are free!!!) Catch up with old friend. Discuss how his soon to be ex-wife is a ‘c***’ and toast to him getting divorced. Use it as an additional excuse to have a memorable weekend. (He is on vacation after all.) Have Betty Steele join in the fun. Try to avoid smoking cigarettes. FAIL. Leave Great Divide and head over to the Atomic Cowboy. Run into Peaches. Eat some pizza and have some laughs. Go home and continue festivities in your garage.

Thursday (your actual birthday): Stumble to work. Have a birthday lunch of bean burritos and potato oles from Taco John’s with Pepper Lowell and Betty Steele. This will take care of that beer/cigarette regret from the night before. Finish up work early and head to dinner at Lohi Steakbar in the Highlands. Sit across the bar from former (R) gov Bill Owens and his lovely young companion. Ponder whether it is his wife, daughter or mistress. Get a table and take in the atmosphere at Lohi. Realize you like this place a lot – and so does everyone else in Denver apparently since they are all here, right now, on your birthday. Be slightly annoyed that it is so loud that it’s hard to hold a conversation. Wonder if Denver is possibly getting a bit too casual as your waiter looks like he works at Vine Street. Jeans and a message t? Really? Discuss with your dinner companion whether the menu at Lohi is too simple OR just right since everything you eat is perfectly delicious. (I recommend the gnudi dumplings and strip steak frites with shallot steak sauce.) Be thankful that Lohi has affordable wine to drink. Yum. Continue birthday celebration at Zio Romolos just down the street. Enjoy mini car bombs and dark beer, and take note that the hippie fashion-sense from Lohi is also the standard uniform at Zios. By now, you’ll be feeling fantastic so it would be a good idea to head off for delicious, luxurious and pricey Belgian beers at the Cheeky Monk on Colfax. Sample what might be 20 beers, and feel good about it. It’s your birthday after all!

Friday: Sleep late – you have the day off! When you finally wake, think to yourself why not head north to Fort Collins for a couple of brewery tours? Make sure you get back to Denver early enough to have a pre-party at your house. Invite Jim Beam and the Denver Omelette. Once properly lubed, jaunt off to the Skylark on South Broadway where you should do all of the following:

• sheleighly shots (whiskey + irish cream)
• have your rack motor-boated by Peaches
• stuff army men and other toys down your shirt
• laugh as Peaches gets humped by an extremely zealous midget-like woman over and over
• dance to a honky-tonk version of Hava Nagila as performed by Halden Wofford and the Hi Beams
• consume enough whiskey so that when you get home you eat all of the pre-party leftovers while debating whether or not Kings of Leon sold out on their last album (FYI you’re 100% correct, they have NOT!)

Saturday: Eat even more party leftovers for breakfast. Make homemade pasta, drink homemade wine, make movies on your flipcam. It’s a good time.

Sunday: Have brunch and recount your weekend. A $10 pitcher of mimosas and a “big bowl o’ fries” drizzled with Truffle aioli and parmesan at Jonesy’s Eat Bar will do the trick nicely. Get a little buzz going and stroll through the zoo taunting animals. Send your old friend back from whence he came. He’ll be back. He likes getting his ass slapped by the Denver Omelette.

Fall asleep by 9 on the couch. You are officially old. Wait 12 months and repeat.

A tribute to the fabulous Mama Monroe on her day of birth

by: Betty Steele, Pepper Lowell, Peaches Julian

Happy 28th(ish) Birthday  to our beloved Mama Monroe!  In tribute to all that makes her fabulous, we’ve complied a list of 25 things that are near and dear to our collective Denver Omelette hearts!  Drum roll please…..

We LOVE:

1. Mama’s Hair – Pepper
2. Mama’s love for whiskey – Betty
3. I love that Mama said she would love to be on Ritalin to clean like a crazy woman – Peaches
4. Mama’s shoe collection – Pepper
5. EVERYTHING Mama cooks – Betty
6. I love that Mama is the best friend in the world – Peaches
7. Mama’s handbag addiction – Pepper
8. I love that Mama makes it a point to inform her cats that they are, in fact, never going to die – Betty
9. I love that Mama is the voice of reason – Peaches
10. How much Mama loves the Hubs and how much the Hubs loves Mama – Pepper
11. I love Mama’s killer Rockabilly dance moves – Betty
12. When Mama smiles – Peaches
13. How much Mama loves me and how much I love Mama – Pepper
14. When Mama gets a little buzzed and gets lovey on her fellow Omelettes – Betty
15. I love that Mama found her soul mate and I love her soul mate – Peaches
16. I love that Mama is always going to be honest with me – Pepper
17. I love that Mama can counter-point my boy crazy – Betty
18. Having nightcaps at Mama’s house – Peaches
19. I love that Mama lets me cry after she’s been honest with me – Pepper
20. I love that Mama ALWAYS has lipstick on – Betty
21. I love that Mama cares more than anything about my well being – Peaches
22. Shanghai rummy at Mama’s house – Pepper
23. I love when Mama uses the phrase “have some sex” – Betty
24. I love that Mama will NEVER lie to me – Peaches
25. We love that today, just 28(ish) short years ago, you were born.  – The Denver Omelette

Hey (university) greek trash, stay out of our East Colfax yard

By Peaches Julian

On a snowy eve on a Colfax Friday night, 3\4 of the Omelette (plus an auxillary) made a stop at 3014 which is — well — at 3014 E. Colfax.

(Mama missed out on the fun. God had mercy on her soul.)

I’ll say it.  Naming your establishment after your address is so last decade.

Who the hell can remember 3014 anyway?

I just had to Google “What is the old Sengers on the ‘Fax?” due to my whiskey-bogged memory.

3014 could have potential if the 18-year-old servers weren’t snorting eightballs in the break room.

Servers, you ask?

Well let me tell you. We had a total of  four separate ones throughout the evening — with one bitch smacking a lollipop while taking our orders.

Orders, you ask?

Why yes. Soda is not tonic. Seven is not soda. Whiskey is not rum. But that’s neither here nor there.

Sidebar: I prefer my whiskey and soda a deep, dark caramel color. Denver, you should know this by now. Shame on you.

The best part of the evening (this is up for intense debate) lies at 45 minutes into our peaceful “what color should Peaches dye her hair next” convo.

A charter bus pulls up across the street and — if memory serves me right — about 842 University of Denver fraternity boys and sorority girls piled into the blizzard-soaked line to get in the door.

OK maybe it was more like 100, but it’s all the same to me when the jackasses don micro minis and tank tops in falling snow.

“Oh fuck. Oh no. Oh dear,” Peaches panics.

“Oh fuck! Oh yes! Hell yes!” Betty, Pepper and friend exclaim in overjoy. “This is going to be entertaining!”

The techno started popping, the drunk sluts started hopping and the douche bags started talking.

I just rhymed. Neat.

As my three friends hit the dance floor with the pimply-faced (seemingly) 14-year-olds, I sat in the booth sucking down weak-as-hell whiskey and sodas (they got one or two right) while pretending to text to avoid looking awkward.

The greeks and I don’t mingle (the university ones, not the nationality, people). And they for sure don’t belong on Colfax.

Let’s leave East Colfax to the artfully sophisticated squad. You sluts already own Lodo. Stay out of my yard.

There was one major high point. A boy was dancing his face off on the empty dance floor, then scurried into the snow-packed Colfax traffic like a drunken Frogger. Pass the hallucinogenics, dude.

Plus, the DJ was totally rad and offered to play what we wanted while awarding Pepper with some swag.

I suppose my judgment is clouded by the club being speckled with greek  trash.  Perhaps a repeat visit on a weeknight happy hour is in order.

Heed, 3014, you have one more chance. And for fuck’s sake, let’s get off on the right foot by heavy-handing my drinks.

Denver Omelette Monday Morning Recap…

Monday mornings are always fun for the Omelette. We like to recap our weekend happenings in a fast moving mass email. This morning, dear readers, I thought I’d share with you this conversation. Please note, the events discussed hereafter occurred over Friday and Saturday nights and are recapped in no particular order. We also address a few other random items and plan for next weekend. While it may be confusing to an outsider, we understand completely what the other is saying. This is why we are Denver Omelette soul mates.

Betty:
weekend update please. ok go.

Pepper:
well i think the highlight of my weekend was the cops looking for [girl that got arrested] and me having to hide [items] in the medicine cabinet. good times!

Peaches:
hahah. and [the man that falls asleep] passing out at ps lounge on sat. night.

Peaches:
and me watching glen beck with [bearded man] until 4 a.m.

Mama:
Peaches made me drink all the whiskey in denver on Friday night which resulted me not leaving the house the rest of the weekend. Peaches, details are fuzzy. did we swig crown royal out in front of the bluebird with some guy who gave you a rose? and what about you making out with the crazy [band man groupie]. And, Peaches when are you going to rail [bearded man]? also I thought Pepper got engaged when she sent me a pic of a ring. i was so excited! but alas no wedding… YET!

Peaches:
hahahahah. Mama. i had THE best time on friday night! yes we were swigging crown out of a flask with a stranger. and yes, we jammed the shit out of the Railbenders. and yes, i spent $160 (i’m so fired). and yes! that [band man groupie] was following me around all night! hence me disappearing for a while because i was trying to hide from him. haha. but Mama, can we also talk about the nightcap at your house afterwards and me falling off your couch at 230 in the a.m.? we are an awesome time.

funny story that happened at the show — weird [band man groupie] was talking to me outside and some other cute dude came up to me and was like “hey! how are you!” and gave me a huge hug. he pulled me aside and was like i haven’t seen you for a while! i had no idea who he was, then he said I have no idea who you are but you looked like you needed to be saved. awwwwwwww. so i was like, score, i’ll make out with him later! then we get inside and he said, i just lost all my money in a divorce, can you buy me a drink. TAKE CARE! guys are so effing stupid.

needless to say, [band man groupie] found me again and i gave him my number (bad peaches!)

and also, let’s discuss pepper and sleepy labeef’s cheese fight at 3 a.m.

Pepper:
can we also discuss that i need to return all of [girl who got arrested]’s stuff cuz i had really bad nightmare dreams revolving around her being searched for. i think her stuff is giving me bad juju.

Peaches:
no! keep it! she’s a jerk. and i did have quite a weekend. i’m still feeling it…

Mama:
i need to hear the [girl that got arrested] story…and the cheese story…and we need to plan what we should do on my birthday next weekend.

Pepper:
also i forgot to mention another highlight of my weekend. two new pr of fabo shoes from the nine west outlet place in the mills! only $40 for both!

Mama:
i like that store. and since Peaches has yet to fully explain – I will elaborate. she made out with said [band man groupie] on a different night at the Skylark. she did not recall this event until seeing him on Friday night. he was excited to see her to say the least. should make Railbenders’ shows THAT much more fun from now on. i kid you not Peaches my night is hazy. i do not remember things— and that doesn’t happen to me very often.

Betty:
Mama! what do you want to do for bday?????  i’m down for whatever you like!

Mama:
i don’t know! what should we do??? skylark maybe? let me see who is playing… hold please…

Mama:
i like the skylark idea??? we could do a little pre-celebration at my house maybe? i don’t know…

Peaches:
i think skylark would be awesome! and yes! pre party at your house! i like i like!

Pepper:
i like skylark idea!!!

Betty:
me too!  And pre-party idea!

Mama:
anyone want to get a drink after work? Or are we still recovering?